A good weekend followed by a shitty one...Literally

2 Weekends ago we went to Bald Eagle Day in Farmington with Grammy Tam and Grampa Frank. We had a lot of fun and Lailah enjoyed watching all the goings on. She couldn't get enough of the people...especially the kids coloring!!! And she got her first dog kiss. Here are a couple pics from the day...

And this weekend the whole family ended up sick with the stomach flu. It's the first time that Lailah has been sick, and it was heartbreaking. Luckily she was mostly over it by Saturday evening, not to luckily Andy and I both had it that point. I am so thankful to have in-laws so close that were willing to keep her occupied while we got better...and here's to hoping that it's a LONG time before we have to go through that again. Here's a couple pics of Lailah resting during her first stomach bug and taking it easy when she was starting to feel better.

Oh YEAH! And a few weekends ago, we took a trip to the Living Planet Aquarium with Gramps. Here are some pics from that.

Color Emerging From Gray - and discovering peoples true character

Since the birth of Lailah, there have been many ups...and many downs. When I was still in the hospital pumped full of drugs and swollen like a stuffed pig - my emotions were raging like a bull in a china shop - breaking to and fro throughout my mind, heart, and soul with no particular direction. I had read and been forewarned that this would probably happen and that it was completely normal. So I expected it, and tried to cut through it the best I could, forecasting that it would get better. I'm not a stranger to depression and anxiety, I've had bouts with it in the past, but it's been a long past, and its easily forgotten how difficult it can be. While I sometimes thought I might need something to dull the edge, I kept pushing forward thinking it would just get better -  And it did, for a while. Some days better than the next - but more recently - most days full of gray with color slowly fading. So putting aside all of the excuses that had been keeping me from making a call to the doctor, I made an appointment - and now that selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors are recirculating through my brain, I am starting to see color again, and this is a very very good thing. I have to say even memory is coming back, indicating to me that I should have taken care of this problem some time ago. But I can't take the past back, Instead I can work at making the future the best that it can be.

Sadly, what I have discovered through this, not at all helping the situation out, is that the true character of people can often times be rather disheartening.Through the internal hurt I have already been dealing with, I have also been hurt from the outside by people who are less than understanding or sympathetic, aimed at kicking me when I am down, rather than trying to help pick me up. I get that I have been sometimes unapproachable and have probably said things that don't make sense to people, coming across as 'crazy' may best describe it to some - but regardless, It's amazing and saddening the things people say about you when they don't think you are listening.

But rather than dwell upon this, I have uncovered that the people that are closest to me in life, my amazing husband, my gorgeous baby and loving family; understanding and compassionate, are all the more beautiful. So those of you, who have been patient and kind, thank you and I love you.

And to those of you who may stumble across this dealing with the same issues or holding the hand of someone that is, remind them or yourself that color emerges from gray, and at the end of the day, the sun is still shining.

Some catching up to do...

What the? Where has the time gone? I can't believe the last post I made about Lailah was almost 4 months ago. She is utterly the most precious thing in my life, and I can't brag about her enough - so why it has taken me so long, I don't know. It could have something to do with not having the time I suppose. But this year I resolve to make more time; for all things that bring me joy. So here's an update:

L is for Lovely. Lovely is this precocious little being that teaches me more in one day than I have learned in my lifetime.
A is for Amiable. Amiable is this child who infects people with her smile from sun up to sun down.
I is for Incendiary. She has lit a fire inside my heart that burns brighter everyday.
L is for little; but growing so quickly.
A is for azure - blue as the sky are those eyes that take in everything in sight with keen awareness.
H is for heartstrings - of which she pulls at with every smile, laugh, and cry.

She is learning so many new things. She loves to walk; with assistance of course. She has a fondness for pulling the hair out of our cats, both of which allow her. She babbles and says dadada and mamama and if you didn't hear her the first time she will make sure you hear her the second time. She observes everything and notices when something, small as it may be, is missing or added. She finds fish mesmerizing. She LOVES to be outside even when its too cold for everyone else. She has just acquired two very sharp bottom teeth. She still doesn't sleep, but we love her anyway. She loves car rides, and I often catch her staring out the window with a look of wonder on her face. She gives the best hugs and the slobbery-ist of kisses. She laughs when I dance for her, and in turn makes me want to dance more. And well...she just makes life better. She gives it purpose and inspires me to make more of it. She helps to give me courage when I am scared, a smile when I am sad, hope when I am hopeless and confidence when I am unsure. She makes me want to be a better person. She is so much more than I could ever express in words; She is everything.

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Having a child has completely changed my perspective on my life and where it is going. I am constantly telling Lailah to pursue her goals, dreams and aspirations, yet, I am not setting an example for her – I’m not exactly practicing what I preach.

I have been dealing with some internal struggles lately; I know that there is something that I WANT to do; something that I NEED to do, but I can’t settle on what that one thing is - and I am scared to death of not just sticking with what I am already doing. Change is a frightening thing. My goals have always been more of a “I’d like to do this” or “I’d like to do that” and it’s always been “someday.” But we all know someday never comes and fear is one of life’s greatest hindrances. "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear for the future."

My hope for this year – my goal for this year, is to find something that I can be proud of – and that allows me to spend more time with Lailah. To be successful by account of my own actions, on my own time, to make a bigger impact and to be more proud of who I am and what I have achieved – to be able to set that better example for Lailah by way of doing.

Here’s a toast to the New Year, the next year and five years from now, when we can look back and tell of our successes, our failures, our new aspirations, and everything else in between.