Crazy World - Delicious Ranunculus - Apple of my Eye

While the United States waits on bated breath to see if a budget agreement can be negotiated, and NATO refuses to apologize for Libyan friendly fire attack, and dead dolphins and sea turtles continue to wash ashore linked to the infamous BP oil spill, and Japan continues to receive aftershocks, and an anti-tank missile fired from the Gaza Strip strikes a school bus in southern Israel , and a team of Czech archaeologists claim to have unearthed the remains of an ‘early gay man’ from around 2900-2500 B.C. outside Prague, and IPhone 5 rumors are all a craze, and facebook unveils a ‘new project’… I find my neck becoming stiff from shaking my head side to side and my brow becoming permanently furrowed from the nonsense of it all -wondering why I torture myself with keeping up with the ridiculous world around me. I’m also still left wondering why House Speaker John Boehner’s last name is pronounced ‘Bay-ner’  - I mean come on people, it’s an unfortunate last name, but let’s go ahead and call it like we see it. And remains of ‘an early gay man’, what in the hell? How does one determine that? Let the dead man rest in peace gay or un-gay. Seriously! I also heard they want to exhume the remains of Lisa Gherardini, the woman believed to have inspired Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa – so that they can recreate her face to see if she really looked like her or not. The best part, they aren’t sure where she is buried, so I guess they are going to just rifle through a bunch of remains, do some carbon dating, DNA analysis and forensic techniques and possibly come to a conclusion…my question – is a conclusion really necessary? Should we not just remain intrigued by the mystery that surrounds the piece?

So, wanting to retreat to a place of solace where there are no other people than those I love, no technological devices aside from the brains in our heads, and nothing but love and respect for one another and the land in which we live - I have found myself on a two day run to find something to serve as a reminder of the beauty that prevails all other things – Ranunculus - gorgeous in every way, each petal giving way to a new hue; fitted with its own unique personality, dainty yet robust, and not shy at all about showing their true colors. I keep flowers on hand on a fairly regular basis, usually accepting of any type or color, but this week with the passing of the tulips and daisy’s in which these will replace, I felt the need for something a little more special, and  I find myself wanting to paint the world with their vibrant chromatism.

I also see reminders of beauty every day in my daughter, in the fragility of her, the wonder in her eyes, and the happiness she exudes. I sometimes wish I could shrink myself to her stature and see the world as she sees it. Untainted and soft. Exciting and wonderful. New and inviting. Having her helps me to remember that this life is what we make of it. I cannot change many of the things that are going on around me, but I can constantly try to make the place in which I am in any given a moment a sanctuary to myself. She reminds me to look at things that are rooted to the earth, trees giving way to the soil beneath our feet - intertwined with sturdy roots, petals and stems giving and taking from one another, not out of greed, but for sustainability.

At 10 months of age, she amazes me with her verve, ingenuity and zest for life. She’s learning quickly and teaches me more in any given moment than I have ascertained in my lifetime. She can walk holding only one hand, but finds comfort in two. She wonders why you put the various shapes in their individual shape holes when you can so easily just remove the lid and place them in the box with ease. She has an affinity for socks but prefers that they not be on her feet. She analyzes things, touches them, mimics them, tries to not only understand them, but the reasons for which they are the way they are – and I sense frustration when she is unsuccessful. She claps, she waves, she clicks her tongue, hoots (sings), says momma and dadda and the occasional ku-ku, oh oh, and kitty, she uses the socks she has an affinity for to make giant splashes in the bathtub, and she snickers at the cats when they are playing. She frightens me with her wit – she delights me with her toothy grin – she inspires me with her song and dance – she is simply the best creature ever created in my eyes. I love her so. She's much like a double rainbow - a precious gem in which spawns delight upon every viewing.

A good weekend followed by a shitty one...Literally

2 Weekends ago we went to Bald Eagle Day in Farmington with Grammy Tam and Grampa Frank. We had a lot of fun and Lailah enjoyed watching all the goings on. She couldn't get enough of the people...especially the kids coloring!!! And she got her first dog kiss. Here are a couple pics from the day...

And this weekend the whole family ended up sick with the stomach flu. It's the first time that Lailah has been sick, and it was heartbreaking. Luckily she was mostly over it by Saturday evening, not to luckily Andy and I both had it that point. I am so thankful to have in-laws so close that were willing to keep her occupied while we got better...and here's to hoping that it's a LONG time before we have to go through that again. Here's a couple pics of Lailah resting during her first stomach bug and taking it easy when she was starting to feel better.

Oh YEAH! And a few weekends ago, we took a trip to the Living Planet Aquarium with Gramps. Here are some pics from that.

Color Emerging From Gray - and discovering peoples true character

Since the birth of Lailah, there have been many ups...and many downs. When I was still in the hospital pumped full of drugs and swollen like a stuffed pig - my emotions were raging like a bull in a china shop - breaking to and fro throughout my mind, heart, and soul with no particular direction. I had read and been forewarned that this would probably happen and that it was completely normal. So I expected it, and tried to cut through it the best I could, forecasting that it would get better. I'm not a stranger to depression and anxiety, I've had bouts with it in the past, but it's been a long past, and its easily forgotten how difficult it can be. While I sometimes thought I might need something to dull the edge, I kept pushing forward thinking it would just get better -  And it did, for a while. Some days better than the next - but more recently - most days full of gray with color slowly fading. So putting aside all of the excuses that had been keeping me from making a call to the doctor, I made an appointment - and now that selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors are recirculating through my brain, I am starting to see color again, and this is a very very good thing. I have to say even memory is coming back, indicating to me that I should have taken care of this problem some time ago. But I can't take the past back, Instead I can work at making the future the best that it can be.

Sadly, what I have discovered through this, not at all helping the situation out, is that the true character of people can often times be rather disheartening.Through the internal hurt I have already been dealing with, I have also been hurt from the outside by people who are less than understanding or sympathetic, aimed at kicking me when I am down, rather than trying to help pick me up. I get that I have been sometimes unapproachable and have probably said things that don't make sense to people, coming across as 'crazy' may best describe it to some - but regardless, It's amazing and saddening the things people say about you when they don't think you are listening.

But rather than dwell upon this, I have uncovered that the people that are closest to me in life, my amazing husband, my gorgeous baby and loving family; understanding and compassionate, are all the more beautiful. So those of you, who have been patient and kind, thank you and I love you.

And to those of you who may stumble across this dealing with the same issues or holding the hand of someone that is, remind them or yourself that color emerges from gray, and at the end of the day, the sun is still shining.