Since the birth of Lailah, there have been many ups...and many downs. When I was still in the hospital pumped full of drugs and swollen like a stuffed pig - my emotions were raging like a bull in a china shop - breaking to and fro throughout my mind, heart, and soul with no particular direction. I had read and been forewarned that this would probably happen and that it was completely normal. So I expected it, and tried to cut through it the best I could, forecasting that it would get better. I'm not a stranger to depression and anxiety, I've had bouts with it in the past, but it's been a long past, and its easily forgotten how difficult it can be. While I sometimes thought I might need something to dull the edge, I kept pushing forward thinking it would just get better - And it did, for a while. Some days better than the next - but more recently - most days full of gray with color slowly fading. So putting aside all of the excuses that had been keeping me from making a call to the doctor, I made an appointment - and now that selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors are recirculating through my brain, I am starting to see color again, and this is a very very good thing. I have to say even memory is coming back, indicating to me that I should have taken care of this problem some time ago. But I can't take the past back, Instead I can work at making the future the best that it can be.
Sadly, what I have discovered through this, not at all helping the situation out, is that the true character of people can often times be rather disheartening.Through the internal hurt I have already been dealing with, I have also been hurt from the outside by people who are less than understanding or sympathetic, aimed at kicking me when I am down, rather than trying to help pick me up. I get that I have been sometimes unapproachable and have probably said things that don't make sense to people, coming across as 'crazy' may best describe it to some - but regardless, It's amazing and saddening the things people say about you when they don't think you are listening.
But rather than dwell upon this, I have uncovered that the people that are closest to me in life, my amazing husband, my gorgeous baby and loving family; understanding and compassionate, are all the more beautiful. So those of you, who have been patient and kind, thank you and I love you.
And to those of you who may stumble across this dealing with the same issues or holding the hand of someone that is, remind them or yourself that color emerges from gray, and at the end of the day, the sun is still shining.
