Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Settling In...

It's been 11 days since little Lailah Lux Kawahara was brought into this world, and it seems the fog is starting to lift...a little. =) Thanks to some provided R & R from Grammy Tam and Grandma Ninny, I am feeling a little bit more like a human being and a little less like a zombie. And I seem to be getting a little bit better at just rolling with things the way they come. I eat when I can, I pee when I can, and the rest is making sure little Lailah is taken care of.

Bringing this little one here was a treat I tell ya, one that took quite a toll on my body and mind. At 12:35 AM on June 5th my water broke, I thought that was something else, but had no idea it would be the lesser of exciting things to come. So, as my water is breaking, all over the place, I am yelling at Andy, looking for something to stop the flow and save H2O, and looking for the cell phone to call the hospital. So, I call, all the while Andy has ran out to start the truck in his underwear and returns to put on clothes faster than I ever knew possible, and wants to know why I am looking for something dry to wear. On the way to the hospital, I start having light contractions, but nothing that I hadn't already experienced over the last weeks of the pregnancy. My nerves however were getting the best of me, trying not to hyperventilate (or get the seat wet), I was coming to the realization that 'this was it'; before long Andy and I's lives would forever be changed.

So we arrive at the hospital, and the wonderful nurses help to get me somewhat dry, and begin hooking me up to the monitors, asking questions, poking and prodding, and on comes the pitocin, and the epidural, parents are on their way, and contractions are starting to happen more frequently. Que, Ice Chips. After a while all the family had arrived and things were moving along at what we felt was an alright pace. And then, nothing; after the family had left to get some rest and were out waiting for an update; 19 hours later, and still only dilated to a 6, the Doctor gave me the news that a C-Section would probably be the only way she would make her way into this world, safely. I immediately get emotional and scared, and quite frankly a little peeved. You mean to tell me I have been lying here for 19 hours having contractions every 4 minutes or so, and now I am going to be wheeled into the O.R...BUT!

So as the tears start rolling, I understand that sometimes this is just the way it is. I just want to make sure that she is okay. So less than 20 minutes later, I am being wheeled away, Daddy is being suited up, and the impending feeling of a panic attack is strongly setting in my veins. Once in the O.R. I am hooked up to yet more monitors, administered yet more drugs, and in less than fifteen minutes, there's the shoulders, head, Whhhhaaaaa. She was out; and I was delirious. Completely drained from the past 20 hours, and completely drugged out of my mind. I see her if only for a brief second and I lie there for another 40 minutes while they do god knows what to my body; still scared and warding off the panic attack; I feel peace in my foggy frame of mind knowing that she is finally here; And I pray that she is okay.

Wheeled back to the 'birthing' room, I am shaking from the drugs and trying as hard as I can to keep my eyes open; Wishing so hard in my foggy frame of mind that I was there to experience what they were experiencing. Wishing that, if just for a moment, I could have some clarity, and the strength to hold her. I see Andy walking across the room with her, and aside from the internal sorrow I feel at not being able to take more part in that moment, I am eternally grateful that she is safe and sound in her Daddy's arms.

Now 11 days later, I still feel sad at not being able to really experience her 'arrival', but I am so glad that she is safe and healthy and teaching me new things about her, as well as myself everyday. A blessed life I have; great family, an amazing husband, and now this little couldn't be better. (well maybe a little more sleep would be the cherry on top...I know, I know, keep wishing.)


  1. Isn't parenthood great?! It is such a rollercoaster ride, you can never fully prepare for it and you just have to learn to roll with whatever it brings. I am sorry the delivery didn't go as anticipated, but I am so glad that you are starting to feel better. I am loving the pictures!! Lailah is so dang cute, I just want to squeeze those cheeks!!

  2. Those experiences are what connect us women together. You truly are amazing Michelle! I just love her sweet face!

  3. I've been waiting for you to update your blog--- I knew it would happen eventually! I couldn't wait to hear the story from your words... you're such a talented writer. I can't wait to come spend a little more time with Lailah and hold her more. Let us know if you guys need anything. :) She is absolute PERFECTION.

  4. *tears*...I am happy she is safe and sounds with such amazing parents.

  5. she couldn't be more perfect and beautiful! Congratulations!!!

    you are amazing!

  6. Yes, tears, Michelle. It would be impossible for anyone but you to know exactly what you were going through inside. The joy, the confusion brought on my exhaustion and drugs. We're all so grateful she's here, and that you're all doing well. She is such a beautiful gift. (Just as you are!) You and Andy are amazing parents and my prayer is that your little family will flourish with love and goodness.

  7. C Dog's GrandmaJune 23, 2010 at 9:01 PM

    Congratulations on the birth of Lailah. She is absolutely beautiful and so precious. So sorry you had such a tough time getting her here but so happy she is well & PERFECT! Such a wonderful, joyous and overwhelming life changing event!