Sunday, December 25, 2011

Hey Where ya' been?

Truth is, I’m not sure I have an answer to that question. The past month or so is all a blur and I can’t seem to recall moments or dates of importance. My mind has been in a proverbial fog; this time of year seems to have that effect. I don’t fancy hot chocolate and yuletide by the fireside, rather I loathe frosted fingertips, iced over windshields, and watching my breath vaporize and float away. Trapped in a bowl of smog and blanketed by clouds of gray, consumed with the constant dread of having to do anything that requires the remote possibility of a shiver.

I’ve been really tired…a lot, and wishing for a little bit of that energy that Lailah exudes to become a contagion to my body. Even over the past 2 weeks, as she has been sick with croup and an ear infection, and dealt with a bad reaction to Amoxycillin she’s managed to show her spritely spirit and remain upbeat in most instances. I envy her panache.

I feel like a failure at something most times of the day – stuck in this constant web of feeling like things are just not complete – loose ends left untied, whether it be a clean house, something I meant to say, the need to go grocery shopping, cook more often, make holiday treats, organize things, listen to a song, create something, read a book, breathe.

Friday’s with Lailah have been hit and miss since my last post, and I’m hoping to get back into the habit of taking them off to be with her once the New Year has started. On those days in particular she reminds me to look through a small viewfinder, and not be so consumed with the greater picture, for the greater picture can often be nothing but overwhelming.

Oh, and speaking of the New Year, yah, I’ve got some lofty goals. Ok ‘Lofty’ - Maybe that’s an inappropriate attitude to have, especially this early in the game…lest we rather call them ‘completely achievable and not time consuming nor difficult in the slightest goals’. Forget about losing weight – if it happens great, it needs to, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it…that ship has sailed. Instead, this year, I vow to be a saver, spend wisely, successfully pay off debt and get us into a house. I’ve armed myself with a debt calendar and I vow to write down every dollar spent and saved; to make better choices about purchases and make this goal a reality.

And more personally and much more complicated, I’ve made it a goal to be less obtuse – to show more excitement, harbor a more positive attitude, and more or less, just roll with the flow. (The tone of this post hardly emanates any of those qualities, but hey, cut me some slack – it’s not the New Year yet.) I find myself to be socially inept and I internally criticize many of my idiosyncrasies – spending way too much time recalling things I may have said to someone throughout the day and worrying about what they think of me. Funny considering I am constantly telling Lailah to never let anyone get in the way of letting her be her, to always love who she is, and never question the person she becomes. I suppose if I am to tell her these things, I am to demonstrate them also.

I hope that anyone reading this post had a very Merry Christmas and has the Happiest of New Year’s. And may your 2012 prove to be the best of all your years thus far.

Now for some photos. I haven’t been very organized and on top of photos lately, so this is sort of the smorgasbord of things that have happened over the past month or so.

These pics were taken a couple of weeks ago on a relatively decent day. It was cold, but not too bad, just warm enough to let Lailah roam around across the street at the Catholic Church. She can't stand not having her outside time - it makes this time of year challenging.

Lailah loves to see the lights at Grandma and Grandpa Kawahara's house. She choo-choo's at the train and tries to hug the Raindeer.

The past couple weeks has consisted of lots of Pajama time and just taking it easy. Lailah has been sick with Croup and and an Ear Infection, of which she was taking Amoxycillin. And as you will see from the next pics taken on Christmas Day, Amoxycillin is not her friend...

Christmas Day, and day 3 of a bad reaction to Amoxycillin. It has broken my heart to see her in this condition and not been able to do anything about it. My babies poor little face is so puffy and red - yet, she exuded pure joy Christmas morning. She loved her presents and had a great morning.

This pic was taken a couple of weeks ago. I could hear her playing in her room, so I peaked in there to catch her sitting in her wagon being cute as a button.

Lailah has a thing for hats. Even in the midst of not feeling well last week, she managed to shoot me this cute little smile, while wearing one of her many hats.

It's hard to believe that 2011 is very  near an end. I look forward to another year of updates...mostly of Lailah. =)

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